Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Monty Python pt 2

Inspector Tiger: Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow. Introme tolose mylow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment.
[bangs himself on the head]
Inspector Tiger: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afried I must ask that no-one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
All: Tiger?
Inspector Tiger: [jumps] Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. You Jane.
Inspector Tiger: Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself, I'm afraid I must ask that no-one leave the room.
Lady Velloper: Why not?
Inspector Tiger: Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no-one has left it. Therefore... the murderer must be somebody in this room.
Colonel Pickering: What body?
Inspector Tiger: Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the roombody. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the...
[takes a tablet]
Inspector Tiger: Albody me introbody albodyduce.
[a surgeon and two nurses enter with saws and lay Tiger down on the table. The same drawing room, one lobotomy later, Tiger's head is bandaged]
Surgeon: Now for Sir Gerald.
Inspector Tiger: That's better. Now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room.
[gives thumbs up to the surgeon]
Inspector Tiger: Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is... who?
Colonel Pickering: Look, there hasn't been a murder.
Inspector Tiger: No murder?
All: No.
Inspector Tiger: Oh, I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait.
Inspector Tiger: No, too simple, too clear cut.
[lights out, a scream, and a shot. Tiger is dead with a poison bottle in his hand, an arrow through his neck, and a bullet in his head]
Colonel Pickering: By jove, he was right!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Monty Python pt 6

Mr Barnard: What do you want?
Man: Well I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, toffy-nosed, malodorous pervert!
Man: What? I came in here for an argument.
Mr Barnard: Oh, oh oh I'm sorry, this is "abuse'. You want Room 12-A just along the corridor.
Man: Oh sorry. Thank you very much, sorry, thank you.
[Shuts the door]
Man: Stupid git.