Monty Python pt 20

Mr Mousebender: Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
Henry Wenslydale: Yes, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Really?
Henry Wenslydale: No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.
Henry Wenslydale: Right-o then.
[Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead]
Mr Mousebender: What a senseless waste of human life.

Mounty Python pt 22

Hungarian: [reading from a English-Hungarian dictionary] I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: Sorry?
Hungarian: I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: Uh, no, no, this... uh... tobacconist.
Hungarian: Ah! I vill not buy this *tobacconist*, it is sratched.
Tobacconist: Uh, no, no, tobacco... um... cigarettes.
Hungarian: Ja! "Ci-ga-ret-ta"! Uh... My hovercraft if full of eels.
[pause]
Hungarian: My hovercraft
[motions "cigarettes"]
Hungarian: is full of eels.
[motions "matches"]
Tobacconist: Oh! Matches! Matches.
Hungarian: Ja! Ja, ja. Uh... do you *WA*nt... do you *WA*nt to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy!
Tobacconist: I don't think you're using that right.
Hungarian: You great poohft.
Tobacconist: Uh, that will be 66 please.
Hungarian: If I said you had beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.
Tobacconist: M-may I?
Hungarian: Ja! Ja!
[gives book to Tobacconist]
Tobacconist: Costs 6 and 6... costs 6 and... ah, here we are!
[Tobacconist says something in Hungarian, causing the Hungarian to punch him in the face. A police officer comes rushing into the store]
Police Officer: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: [to police officer] You have beautiful thighs.
Police Officer: What?
Tobacconist: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunch time.
Police Officer: [angry] RIGHT!
[Hungarian dragged away by police officer]
Hungarian: My nipples explode with delight!

Mounty Python pt 21

Michael Palin: Mount Everest: forbiding, aloof, terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.

“There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not”

“I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am”

“BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN: What?
BEN: Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang
awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be
put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN: You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me
the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: What?!
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a
right bloody mess.
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail him up, I say!”

Chuck Norris