Monty Python pt 1

Clerk: You are Alexander Yalt?
Alexander Yalt: [in a Derek Nimmo voice] Oh I am.
Clerk: Skip the impersonations.
Alexander Yalt: I am.
Clerk: Mr Yalt you are charged that on the second day of January 1970 you wilfully, deliberately and with malice aforethought published an English-Hungarian Phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Alexander Yalt: Not guilty.
Clerk: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt: I do live at 46 Horton Terrace.
Clerk: You are the president of a publishing company?
Alexander Yalt: I am the president of a publishing company.
Clerk: Your company publishes phrasebooks?
Alexander Yalt: My company does publish phrasebooks.
Clerk: You did say 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt: Yes
Clerk: [bangs gong à la Michael Miles] Aha! Got him!

1

Saw a NY license plate with the following number: "1." I pulled alongside and was disappointed the driver was neither Elvis nor Jesus.

Discover Card

personally i like the discover card rewards program. if you can find a business that takes discover card, you get a free airplane

Cab

Here's a thought. If ur going to spend the money on a 40in plasma tv, maybe splurge on a cab?

5 year old asked how many seconds until we leave for playground. Wife said "a bazillion". 5 year old left, counting. Is that child abuse?

Bonnaroo

2 days past due date. Just got a text from the baby saying something about #Bonnaroo. I think he’s drunk.

Monty Python pt 3

'Thrust' Presenter: Good evening. I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs. Anne Elk.
Miss Anne Elk: Miss.
'Thrust' Presenter: You say you have a new theory about the brontosaurus
Miss Anne Elk: Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
'Thrust' Presenter: Exactly.
[long pause]
'Thrust' Presenter: Well, what is it?
Miss Anne Elk: [looks around, concerned] Where?
'Thrust' Presenter: No, no, your new theory.
Miss Anne Elk: Oh, what is my theory?
'Thrust' Presenter: Yes.
Miss Anne Elk: Oh, what is my theory that it is. Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory.
'Thrust' Presenter: I am asking.
Miss Anne Elk: Good for you. My word yes. Well, Chris, what it is that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.
'Thrust' Presenter: Yes, I know it's yours, what is it?
Miss Anne Elk: [looks round again] Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it.
[clears her throat at length]
Miss Anne Elk: My theory that belongs to me is as follows.
[clears her throat very noisily and violently]
Miss Anne Elk: This is how it goes. The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. Ready?
'Thrust' Presenter: [exasperated] Yes.
Miss Anne Elk: My theory by A. Elk, brackets, Miss, brackets. This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.
'Thrust' Presenter: That's it, is it?
Miss Anne Elk: Spot on, Chris.
'Thrust' Presenter: Well, uh, this theory of yours appears to have hit the nail on the head.
Miss Anne Elk: And it's mine

Monty Python pt 4

TV Presenter: And now a precision display of bad temper.
[soldiers all yell in unison]
Soldiers: My goodness me! I am in a bad temper today, two three! Damn damn, two three! I am vexed and ratty, two three! And hopping mad!
[soldiers stamp feet on ground angrily]
TV Presenter: And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about.
Sergeant: Squad... *Camp* it *up*!
[soldiers all chant in unison while mincing]
Soldiers: Ooh, get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. Oooh!

Glow in the dark

It's great to be this handsome, but sometimes I wish I was just very good looking.